19 July 2012

Not so erotic fiction - 15 Greys from Planet Shade

Alliance Year 3789
Dear Diary.

It would be nice to be famous for saving those ships and the occasional planet, from certain doom, but no it's The Book I'm famous for..I can't escape it...ever.

Few people remember the asteroid deflection technique I developed on the planet Skyhawk...nope...it's That BOOK...grrr.... Everywhere I go it seems everyone in the frakking Galaxy wants to conduct "trade talks" on behalf of their planet with me..

Can you believe it Diary, it was over 40 years ago, We were moving fast back then after the Alliance setbacks, and I found myself over 200 light years from the nearest human, all by myself.

After months of searching and following rumors I finally found a real "Grey" from the legends of Earth and from other planets.

I finally ran into one of their starships (not via a collision, that's just a vicious rumour ) in a station in the far Finginita system. My poor little ship "Skittles" was in dock, and the Finginita (who look like kangaroos with really funky trilobite armour), were quite happy to make repairs in exchange for the .25% gain in their FTL drives I suggested to them. So yeah..I remember wondering what to do for the next two weeks, and I was just walking around their station admiring the artwork, and avoiding being eaten by the plants .

Then suddenly!!! da de dahhhh there one was...

The Grey seemed surprised to see a Human, actually I think it totally freaked out.  I was really really keen to make proper contact between the TransHuman Alliance and those known as "The People of the Shades"....as no one had found where these people had came from, but they seem to have travelled everywhere.

I remember speaking to the Grey while looking in to his great big eyes for nearly an hour, well, I just guessed it was a him, then suggested another meeting, the computer interpreter seemed to get it right, although it tried to tell me they lived on a giant ring that goes around their sun, a Ringworld..Yeah right, who would build something that unstable!

I explained, or tried to about the Alliance war with Original Earth of 90 years ago and the Chromosomal plague they used against us that caused 1 male birth to 225 female one, (admittedly a clever weapon, but I left out the side effects) that had freaked everyone out, and how the Alliance had manged to stay together.

The word meetings and rishathra seems to have had a number of meanings and I used the "Treaty Celebrations" meaning, and I certainly did say to bring everyone on their ship along.

A bit later..I wanted to make sure I recorded everything, so set up cameras all over my room.

 They didn't turn up, so so annoyed..."Bastards" I thought..I didn't remember to turn off the cameras in my room before I went to bed,
Made sure the Computer reminds me NEVER TO MAKE THAT MISTAKE EVER AGAIN!

 Then they turned up..

One spoke and their Translator beeped out "rishathra time"


Now I have my Diary meta-encrypted but if by any chance there is anyone reading it, stop now and do a word search on rishathra if on the truly bizarre idea you have never heard of it, or heard of  me by now.


OK...got it... all rather common now, but ..right...back to the story...

Their ship was a 15 man crew, and remember, I was far from home, not having even seen another human for months..so I thought well..yeah ok, lets get it on, it's not as if I can catch anything, and no one will ever find out.

Seven hours later and we hadn't quite finished. (They had also been in space a LOOONNNGGG time, and you know ...really... so had I).. the station pressure alarm went off...nothing kills the mood like asphyxiation typical isn't it... and then, EVEN MORE TYPICAL they teleported themselves out to their ship, leaving me behind....Male Bastards!!

Oh Crap! crap! crap.. get that suit on now!

Ewwww.. how could I ever forget putting on that emergency spacesuit, the smell! owwww and I needed a shower or three or four. After squelching  making my way through the airlocks..

Diary...should I put squelching?...sounds disgusting...but it was true..just what it sounded like when I walked
ran like hell through the passageways.

 anyway...got to Skittles, had a shower..scrubbed, scrubbed, bit tricky as she was only on battery power....poor old thing..

So later the Greys radioed over a large data file with cultural and navigational information...In my official report I said I got a huge data dump..ohh how they must have laughed rereading it later....

The guest quarters were still sealed due to a radiation leak as well as an air leak, and as I left nothing there of any value, I just waited the day or so until Skittles was ready, set a new course, said goodbyes to the Finginita and left. The Grey Shadians still had a few more days left. I hope they got what they wanted while they where there.

I never did find out who found the cameras, who published that wretched book, but by Thors hammer I will stick them in a box and drop them into a neutron star!!!bastards bastards bastards...

Anyway..yeah a year or so later, after a deep space mission of months away. I get back to the homeplanet

A priority one message said that Admirals Redgrave, Nino, Krauss, and Harley wanted to see me at their earliest convenience, meaning now.

So off I go, and noticed some strange looks on the way into the office. They were waiting for me, Redgrave looked like she was about to burst out laughing, Nino was flicking through some pages of a book..

I couldn't help notice the occasional raised eyebrow, and turning the book on it's side, looking carefully shaking her head,  flipped a page again. Admiral Harley seemed entranced watching her as well.

Then she threw it on the desk in front of me, she said to have a look through it.

"Yes Admiral" I said

It opened at page 20, and I looked, flicked to the next page.Hmmm..she certainly had a strange taste this girl, but does seem to be having a good time, I laughed a bit, and WOW! look at page 48, how does she do that? is that even possible..

Nino said to look at the front cover..

 Frakking Hell...you know that feeling when all the blood leaves your head, your knees go weak, and your about to fall off your stiletto heels....  (I'm about to go through it again just remembering it)..I was just going OMG OMG, OMG, flip flip flip 78 pages of pictures of me!!!and the title of the book "Shockwave Plasma and the 15 Greys from Shade".

As we are now a mostly female society, we have few sexual hangups, but this is like the meanest practical joke ever...

Harleys face is as clear to me now as it was then when she said "Congratulations, your picture book is a best seller"


She then said, this one was from the Library, and asked if I noticed the borrower comments and pointing arrows on the pictures.

!!!!!! I died...really

She then added "Departments of First Contact, Diplomatic Corps and the Rangers have taken started to use it as a text book. I'm not exactly sure of the context it's being used."

Admiral Redgrave must have bit though her glove...

I'm dismissed, and walk out and hear hysterical laughter just before I close the door..I remember running to the ship...

Diary....did I ever tell you my sister collects them?  yeah...collectors edition are out, and can you believe people send them to me to sign!!!

The messages I got!! Thousands of marriage proposals, job offers, and the occasional offers from surgeons asking if I need anything fixed, after pages 44 and 48 plus 66-69 I can see why they think I might need it... errkkkk. 

Mum just looked and me and said "You will find that porn is the only information that naturally travels faster than light" I said "Really"?   She was right. :-(

My sister had page 48 printed in 3D  "Almost as good as being a Grey"she says...bitch

I have been further from the Homeworld than anyone in the Alliance, and still, The Book is there before me and quite often someone, or something wants to make my acquaintance and waves  hands, suckers and tentacles in my direction to let me know...yeah thanks guys, girls and hirs. 

So what has she sent me?

And here we go, oh yeah....rather cheap version... same cover as always, and a few more endorsements on the back, some are probably even real.

OVER 280 MILLION!!!!!!   annnnddd That's probably about right about now Diary..

You know Diary...at one stage I had to change ships every 3 months because as soon I docked into a new spaceport I would get invites from other ships to "examine the crew"

I couldn't refuse Flash Gordon now could I? yeahhh don't bother...all over in a flash...name well justified..

So whats on the back of this edition?

So excited reading this my plunger snapped
Dalek Thay

We never though she had it in her, but pictures don't lie.

I can't believe how much I learned from this book.
Eccentrica Gallumbits of Eroticon Six.

She never replied to my marriage proposal.

Now used at StarFleet academy on how not to do first contact
Admiral Janeway

Her reasons for my nickname "Flash" are an utter lie
Flash Gordon

A Frakking good read!
Kara Thrace

At least noone figured out I actually wrote "What to expect, when you don't know what species your expecting" and "Alien Sex and the Single Girl"

Finally...the location of the Ringworld...fake...Bastards!

Ok Diary, we are off to some place called Z'ha'dum, hopefully there will be no trouble. 

What's that screaming? A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming...— Barbarella

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