26 June 2012

Why the Zombie apocalypse will not be in the USA

 You know it's going to happen one day, maybe not soon, but when you least expect it, the zombies will attack. You might be out minding your own business, when suddenly.... out they come, on the endless hunt for human brains.

Sods law will then dictate that your not going to be suitably dressed :-(

If I was in the USA, this wouldn't be much of a problem as I would also be suitably armed. Instead I will just have to climb on things and scream....

Yes, the long flowing red dress is wonderfully sexy, but all you need a one zombie to grab hold of it and your done for!


Getting your clothing right is seriously important.

So I have decided (after much thought) that slim fitting jeans, long sleeved top, and boots as high as you can get them is the ideal survival outfit.

I'm sure that everyone would agree, there is nothing worse than a severed zombie hand climbing up your leg....well...there is one thing...

Boots with straps or laces is a definite no no as they are just a climbing frame for zombie hands, and you don't want hands climbing inside your trousers.

Notice I still have the 5in heels?  Zombies aren't fast, but they are persistent, and if it starts to get really desperate, standing heavily on one of your companions feet will give you those extra minutes to escape as they slowly limp after you until they fall into the clutches of the undead horde.

I think it's quite reasonable to suspect that when the zombie apocalypse happens, it's going to happen in Australia or Britain or anywhere where people aren't well armed. Looks like the USA is safe in that regard.

USA citizens are well equipt to deal with zombies due to their possession of large caliber pistols. My experiments have shown that firing two pistols at the one target is much better than trying to shoot different zombies at the same time.

Armalite rifles are as common as brooms in the USA (so I'm told) and are able to put down the zombie attackers very quickly.

So you see,Australia is perfect as a target for the zombies as firearms are quite restricted and the means of dealing with the zombie hordes are much more limited.

How can we deal with Zombies in Australia?

We can legally own Archery gear...yeah, bows and arrows...although in my tests it takes ten arrows to stop one zombie, and by that time...well...your going to need a lot of arrows, and I strongly suspect trying to reuse them... IS A REALLY BAD IDEA...

There is always the traditional weapon, the axe, I guess it's good enough for Abe Lincoln...but really ickkkyyy as you have to get up close.

Desperate times make desperate measures, and a bat is a true sign of desperation during the zombie apocalypse.

How could I forget the traditional chain saw? Much more effective than the bat or the axe, but yeah....icckky zombie bits everywhere...this led to serious hair cleaning, and the noise, and the fumes where just awful. But hey..100% effective.

Last but not least in the Non-Firearm anti-zombie arsenal is the Molotov Cocktail.

Oh Bugger........Just be careful when throwing them, they are not toys...OK

So basically Australia is a goner in the case of zombie plagues, the only chance for residents is immediate quarantine, and possible "sterilization" of the area.

Further help on preparedness for the zombie apocalypse can be found at:



Very USA based, but entertaining is Guns and Gardens whose motto "Survive and look cute" I have taken to heart for this post.

Robert Smith of the University of Ottawa has modeled the results of a Zombie outbreak, and the results are quite bad. Unless the Zombies are destroyed quickly, it's just a matter of time before the entire human race is quickly infected. Only those is remote outposts and towns such as Mount Isa, Alice Springs and Outback stations will survive.Britain is pretty well stuffed due to the high density living.

While having your well deserved post-zombie bath, please don't add any  Bath Salts..really...it's just asking for trouble.

Thanks to Drag0nista for the discussion on the overwhelmingly important topic of what shoes to wear for the zombie apocalypse.

Thanks to Moggs Oceanlane for making me aware of the unique dangers with zombie survival in Australia.

“Indeed, one concern would be that the initial neoconservative response to a zombie outbreak would be to invade Iraq again out of force of habit.” ― Daniel W. Drezner, Theories of International Politics and Zombies

No comments: